Hello I am Renniz. I don't think anyone will see this, but you can read it if you do.
This is just a collection of my thoughts, mostly during my depressions. I hope this will be theraputic, or at least creative, for me.
AN UPDATE FROM A BETTER MIND
I've been feeling better for a while. I'm glad my depressive episode lasted only for around 2 months this time around, sometimes they're longer. I barely remember making this site already. Whether or not the things on here are true I'm not sure. I could be clouded by contentness just as I can be clouded by depression and misery. Some of it, more based in logical processes, I stand by regardless of my mental state. For others, it depends. All that matters to me is that right now, I feel okay, and that's enough for me. I hope anyone reading this feels okay too.
Recently, a high I experienced seemed to help. 15mg of a weed gummy edible. That shit had me seeing things in a whole new light. It made me realize again how much really is dependent on perspective. The world may not change, but the way you think about it can. There's still bad and evil, but atleast you can keep yourself okay through it. It's corny, but it's true. Don't go out expecting weed to solve all your problems, though. It's not healthy, especially not for some people with genetic predispositions, and I've had depressive episodes which I attribute partially to particular highs. Do what's good for you. It's an art, not a science, or whatever.
HUMANS
The argument to whether or not humans are born evil or good is pointless. "Evil" and "good" are only abstract concepts that fulfill the urge to categorize. Humans aren't inherently good, and they aren't inherently evil, no more so than a crow or a rock is. Every living being tends towards narcissism and greed in some ways. Humans like to believe they're special, selfless creatures. They're not. Every thought we have is guided by billions of years of evolution, falling into the line of consume, defecate, reproduce, (ideally) raise young, and die. There have always been people who didn't follow these steps one to one, but that doesn't mean the genetic drive for at least most of these goals still applies. Humans are animals, just ones who can write their thoughts down. Do dogs have philosophical conversations, or do fish wonder about the edge of the universe? I think so, in a way. Just because we don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't there.
LOVE AND HATE
I like to believe I hold a lot of love in my heart. Through all my jadedness I can still see the beauty of it all sometimes. The mandlebrot patterns of leaves and veins and the life of the sea. I try to hold on to that beauty. It's hard to love your fellow man. Humanity as a whole is a detriment to the well-being of our planet and everything in it. It's not their fault, though, so I try and stay positive. But it is hard to love sometimes when people, greedy by nature, insist on tearing it down. I hate sometimes, and it hurts. I don't want to hate, and it's only bittersweet in the end. Our systems are flawed (hate the game, not the player), and the greedier and crueler people are the farther along they get. It sucks and I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I can buy the theory that we're reaching the "cap" of our society, one every society reaches, right before they kill themselves off with their own mistakes. We're stuck here and we never act like it.
CYCLICALITY
We are all the same matter. Inanimate and animate objects all came from the big bang and the energy which scattered out from it. One day, our sun will die and will consume our planets into a cloud of hot gasses and protons and electrons. Later, our universe itself will die, and will collapse to form another big bang, before it starts again. I'm not a physicist, but that's what I like to believe, because of the principles of conservation of energy. I think I will reincarnate one day, maybe hundreds of years after I've died, once my energy gets used to fuel the neuron patterns of another creature. I believe that's all "I" really am. My concept of self comes from the structures and grooves of my brain, but my "conciousness" comes from the collective power of dozens of individuals. The energy I attribute to "myself" (the spark which started my fetal heartbeat), will one day go into someone or something else and their heart will begin to beat and their neurons will fire off chemical energy and I will regain conciousness as a small part of a larger whole, whatever that may be. No one knows any better or worse than this, so it's what I choose to believe. It makes sense to me, and it's the best outcome I can think of.
HOPELESSNESS
I am a hopeless person, at least right now. I have very few people in my life and am losing joy by the day. I've been hopeless many times before, but it hasn't felt so final in a long time. I was born with a brain which works against me and I'll die that way. I am hopeless, oh well. I have reasons to stick around for now even if it only compounds into further pain. The best times of my life are behind me, and each year I get farther from them. That's the nature of misery. It compounds over time. I know some people can adapt to it, but I'm not sure I'm one of them. This part is melodramatic, oops. Can't help that I'm sad.
SELF WORTH
I only experience self worth in narcissistic peaks and depressive lows. Very rarely do I fall into "average" and mean it. Sometimes I'm better than everyone, and sometimes I'm a piece of garbage. Writing this, I'm in a low. I'm not particularily talented or creative, and I offer very little. I don't like the narcissistic points, because they make me feel like a bad person. I try to be a good person no matter what. I was dealt a perfectly fine card and I've dropped it big time over the years. This website may just be a cry for attention. I hate that I need attention, but I do, because I never learned how to live for myself. Living "for myself" is impossible in a collective, capitalistic society, at least from my point of view. Humans are social creatures even if I'm bad at it and would on the surface rather be left alone. I can't handle criticism. Do I act worse off to be given more sympathy and attention, and to be seen as unique, when really I'm not?
MEANING OF LIFE
There isn't one, suckers
INTELLIGENCE
No one is truly "unintelligent". As much as I internally consider myself unintelligent, I would be a hypocrite to believe it. Basically every living person over a few weeks old is intelligent in one way or another. Everyone knows something. Sometimes that's physical intelligence, or emotional, or scientific, etc etc. I am assumed to be intelligent, because I'm relatively well spoken and get fine grades. I just talk like that, and I just know how to do school from practice. I guess those count as forms of intelligence, but they aren't the kinds I would wish for. I wish I had practical intelligence, or creativity, but I don't. Grass is always greener on the other side or whatever, I guess. I think a lot it all. Whether or not I'm good at critical thought, I don't know, but I do think a lot. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do it.
MACHINES
I am fascinated by machines. I don't believe in thought machines. I'm not schizophrenic (although I admit, if I did have delusions, wouldn't I be unable to tell?). I've always been interested in visuals of factories and machines and human-like machines. We can make conciousness, if we so choose to. I don't think anyone would respect it as a person, though, and that makes me sad. Machines are tragic to me. I feel sympathy for them.
RELIGION
I hold no problem for the personal beliefs of others. I don't believe in a God, but that doesn't mean others can't. I do, however, hold a deep contempt for any and all organized religions. Groups which center around powerful figureheads, whether physically present or not, are bound to the pitfalls of human beings. Though I blame no invidiuals besides those who directly profit off of it (such as the megachurch pastors who fly private jets and take money from the faithful), that doesn't make me hate it any less.
MONEY
Money is not the root of all evil, but it is a tool which perpetuates it. Money is a modern representation of the fight for survival, one which I would've hoped we'd be passed by now. Shouldn't a perfect world be one where survival is not a privlidge, but is a sustainable right? Again, it's not like I can do anything about it. Communism failed and capitalism is failing, just slower. I hate money, but at the same time, I love having it.
SANITY
Being "sane" is a very delicate classification. I consider myself sane, all things considered, but where is the line drawn? To others I must be insane, and I could see why. I'm in ways empty and without identity, and in others I exert so much of my own identity it's overwhelming (I'm a control freak). I would've been lobotomized just over 100 years ago. But I still consider myself reasonable overall. I'm sure everyone with psychosis can too. Like everything, the only version of "sanity" which matters is the version believed by the people with the most money and influence.